Telepocalypse

Put that phone down!

We were Skyping my in-laws this morning when I suddenly noticed another way that the traditional phone network has brainwashed us about how telephony should work. My wife wanted to tell her parents that she was coming on a surprise visit tomorrow while I head off to see a client in the USA.

Someone called my father-in-law on his cell phone while my wife was talking to him. As an artifact of two disconnected voice systems, we could hear what was going on, and could pick up the conversation easily afterwards. Unlike putting a call on hold and us hearing silence, we could have interrupted the caller and said we’re off. But there’s no “asymmetric 3-way calling” feature on the PSTN, where existing family calls take priority over outside interrupters, can hear both of the other callers, but can be heard by only the first caller. We should be treated as if we’re in the room with my in-laws. Putting us in the telephony equivalent of a sensory deprivation tank doesn’t make me feel like I’m in the virtual family home.

When she had finished talking she didn’t end the call. In fact, at first I hadn’t realised they were still connected when I barged in. I guess grandparents enjoy eavesdropping on the everyday lives of their sub-offspring. “No, that’s daddy’s — leave it alone on the table.” And then you hear a cough from 1100 miles away through the PC speakers.

So, the finish of the conversation wasn’t the end of the call. But why isn’t the converse true? Why does ending the call finish the conversation? Why can’t I just re-open the audio channel to Vilnius whever I like? Why does anyone have to “answer” a call? Why can’t I just call out “coooeee! you’ll never guess what your granddaughter just did!” whenever I can hear they’re around?

I want something more like my late grandmother’s set-up at home. Her farmhouse was attached to my uncle’s house, with a doorway through the kitchen between the two. Sometimes they wanted privacy and the door was shut. Sometimes they just called through the portal. And sometimes they went into each other’s houses. Skype should be my virtual door into other places. Telephony as worm-hole and time-tunnel.

So despite the plaudits Skype has deservedly received (if only for ease-of-use), it’s still partly trapped inside pre-conceived ideas of what telephony is and what it should do. We haven’t yet seen what the stupid network is really capable of.