Telepocalypse

Wickedpedia

As an educational aid, Telepocalypse is pleased to offer its readers this essential glossary of industry terms. Simply print it out, fold it up, and stick it under your keyboard for your wife to discover and clean away next spring.

SIP. Abbrev. Standard Initiation Protocol. A meta-technology designed to inspire people to create new, proprietary and competing standards and implementations containing subtle incompatibilities.

VoIP. Very Old Idea Phone. A revolutionary way of extending Bell's original vision for the telephone, allowing you to dial with a mouse click as well a touchtone keypad and rotary dial.

IMS. Internet Monetisation System. A minor adjustment to Internet Protocol to add a "price" field to packet headers. Earlier versions referred to Innovation Minimisation System. This usage is now deprecated. (Expected release Q2 2012, not available in all markets, check with your service provider in case of sudden loss of unmediated connectivity.)

E911. Slang. Emergency! 911. Whenever an incumbent telco feels chest pain, hot flushes, and sudden loss of wealth, they should call their local political office and declare an "Emergency 911". (A tax-deductible campaign donation of the usual $911,000 is also expected in return for rescue service.)

ATA. Auntie's Telephone Adapter. Gives your desk phone a thicker, less flexible "Ethernet" cord and and weighted anchor to stop your clumsy aunt knocking it onto the floor again.

SBC. Archaic. Session Border Confuser. System designed to prevent Skype users in different corporations from being able to talk to one another. No longer in common use.